Shutting It Down, While Opening Up….Pandemically Speaking
Surviving a year of Covid and all the horrific events surrounding it had my anxiety doing double dutch. We shockingly lost a legendary ball player, close friends and family were disappearing from air droplets after a cough and we lost three unarmed people of color at the hands of racism just for jogging, sleeping, and buying cigarettes. Our governor and capital building here in Michigan were terrorized by “Id-yutz” (idiots) wearing bullet proof vest and toting assault rifles angry because they were told to stay home…..and get paid (go figure), couldn’t get their 8 inch beards trimmed and ask to wear a mask if they did venture out into indoor public places for a case of Bud Light. People who were able to work from home were upset at those who were unable because they were getting checks via the government. (What do you mean you won’t be serving me!? I tipped you $2, Neva mind how ill I treated and spoke to you). Oh, and clowns who knew nothing of this thing called “paper trails” fraudulently filed claims for unemployment and PPP Loans taking from people who needed them the most. Did I mention all Karen-ing on? Lord, we busting at the seams, what we gone do!?
Mad at the world and everyone in it I lowkey lashed out at people whom “I” felt did not follow instructions, attempted to make me share their same beliefs and at associates whom I assume think I am beneath them because our path and decisions made in life were different. That anger lasted for about a month, and I recognized I was not okay. There was not much else to do during the 3-month shutdown but seize the opportunity and sit perfectly still.
Prior to the pandemic , a few years ago I was overwhelmed dealing with personal highs and lows throughout life and decided to seek therapy. I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) stemming from my childhood. As a younger adult I attempted therapy but did not stick with it because I thought it was unnecessary and was afraid of judgement. However, as I got older experiencing life and gained a “lil” wisdom, I knew that nothing would get better until I tackled “me” internally. I had come to realize that it did not matter what others thought because they were just that…thoughts. In the beginning therapy was a challenge because I had to revisit pains and heartaches and understand the cause and effects as well as take accountability for my own choices and actions. I always knew that I was forever in competition with myself and my problem was trying to prove THAT to others. I had to stop and be my WHOLE true authentic self. Truths had to be told and adjustments were needed within work environment and company I kept. My healing journey had begun but the pandemic caused a slight pause in the process.
Living within this Pandemic caused me to have moments, as I am sure everyone has had or having regardless of age, race, gender, class etc. We did not see this mess coming and it is going to have a lingering effect. Recognizing that I sat still, and conversations reemerged I had with my therapist regarding being reactive. What are your triggers? What were the things that made me lash out at beginning of pandemic? Was it constantly watching the news and or social media? Was it talking to or association with people whom I knew could care less of me or my wellbeing? What do I have control of? When I answered those questions truthfully, I was able shut off and let go. I have to be consistently proactive in my healing journey.
Consequently, Covid and its 3-month shutdown was and will forever be a time of reflection for me. It made me more grateful, more patient, more resourceful and made me spend time with “me.” It allowed me time to refocus on what is important in life and what I have control over. I now limit what I take in because I know that human nature is not perfect. I do not know what the future holds but I know I must continue to put in the work with self-care because that does pour out into others. When I feel a shift and my “ancestors” enter the souls of my feet (thank you Trace, LOL) …I pause…. WE have a staff meeting to see what all is on the agenda for the moment and address …. I get dress, hook up my hair and go to Target.
Keeping It
Urban Sexy Chic
